I am so tired, but it is a good tired. I have spent the better part of the last 2 days "getting back to the dirt." I will explain. But, before I do you must know that I grew up on a big farm in Southern Alberta Canada. My childhood was on the farm. My friends were the horses, frogs, cows, dogs, and cats. I was content. As content as I have ever been in my life. My Dad and brother drove the tractors and tilled and seeded the land. The dirt smell and how it felt in my hands made me happy I was content. The animals made me happy. Not just outside happy, inside to my core happy. I did not need things or stuff to make me happy, because my soul was content. I was full!
 I have spent a lifetime looking for things that made me happy, content, full, but it never is the same happy. I am not talking about the happiness that my children and grandchildren give me, that is different. I am talking about Marla and what fills her core.
It did not dawn on me how important the dirt was to me, or really how it made me feel, until recently. It was early in the morning and Jake was plowing the field by the road. I was all dressed up on my way to court driving my little red Porsche. These details are important and you will see why. As I drove by I watched the plow turn the dirt and something stirred inside me. "Stop Marla, feel the dirt." My response back to myself was " I am too busy, all gussed up and going to the office." I am in a hurry." Then again, "Stop Marla, feel the dirt." I never have listened the first time, but now I am listening. So I stopped. Got out of my car and walked out into the field in my fancy high heels. I bent down and picked up some dirt in my hand. I held it, feeling the texture, the coolness, it felt alive. Then I smelled it. It was vibrant and fresh and brought back oh, so many memories. It touched my heart and tears rolled down my cheeks. Tears of joy. I was content. I liked myself I did not need anything else. It was overwhelming to me.
My husband, Jake watched from the tractor as he was plowing the field. he must have wondered why his wife had stopped her car and was now outstanding in the field in her high heels and suit holdind dirt in her hand. If he would have seen the tears he would have thought me crazy.
The need to stop and have that moment was very compeling. I stood there for a while longer and then let the dirt fall from my hand. And I walked out of that field back to my car. I did not walk out of the field that same person that walked in. I took with me soemthing very important. I took with me the knowledge of my need to connect with the dirt. My need to feel that feeling of content and I am whole.
Nothing I could purchase would ever duplicate how that that handful of dirt made me feel. Not a fancy suit, not high heels, not my little red car, nothing.... just dirt. Why? Because it filled me. It made me whole and reminded me what is really important to me. Other stuff is fun. But does it hit you in your core, your soul? Do you connect? Are you whole after the experience? It is different for all of us. Until we find it we will keep looking and filling the holes with things that do not fit and do not make us whole. Sometimes we expect others to fill the hole and no matter how hard they try or what they do the hole is there. It is my job to fill my hole. I make me whole, no one else.
Now I often think back to that day in high heels and that freshly plowed dirt and savor the moment. And, I look for more ways to get back to the dirt and feel like I did. Planted a garden today, potted plants in the outdoor kitchen, planted a herb garden, put geraniums on the front porch.
Now I walk around and am reminded and it feels great and I am content. My soul is resting and I am too for the first time in years.